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.Not all the responses to this approach are positive, however.Somepartners were uncomfortable and turned off.Obviously, if you are veryworried about the possibility of being rejected, this high-risk, interest-enhancing strategy might not be the best fit.On the other hand, if thisfeels energizing, skipping the rungs of intimacy is a useful litmus test tosee if someone is willing to play in your corner of the sandbox (with yourunique interests, humor style, and all).Whatever your inclinations, clearly expressing what interests you andwhat you don t want allows you to be authentic in your social world.Youbecome the partner you want for yourself.Ultimately, being curious isabout creating space to breathe and for positive feelings, interest, and mean-ing to emerge in conversations and relationships.Communication Skills 101:Balancing Anxiety and ExcitementNo matter how close we eventually become to someone, we always startoff as strangers not knowing what the future holds.Before trying to trig-ger other peoples interest, we need to ensure they are somewhat com-fortable, we need to set each other at ease, and we need to sprinkle a fewclues that direct our partner to our attentiveness, genuineness, trustworthi-ness, and interest.When we meet someone online, we miss out on the ways we read and express our interest in another person, from facial expres-sions, body language, touch, and vocal tone, to the immediacy of attun-ing to emotional shifts of back-and-forth exchanges.Trust takes longer todevelop online, and lying and deceit are harder to detect.As a result,abrupt rejection is quite common during that first face-to-face meeting.Intimacy developed online often has to be created anew in the realworld. The Rewards of Relationships 143Whatever your next encounter, here is a set of scientifically in-formed guidelines designed to harness curiosity for more meaningfulconnections and relationships.They focus on ways to break through theinitial barrier of uncertainty to create common ground to get started.They can set the stage for you to shine and are likely to lead to someattention-grabbing moments where interest and excitement can sparkand flourish.Be Risk-Prone and ShareAnxiety is normal.Trying to make a good impression is normal.Tryingnot to look stupid is normal.So just talk.When people say they havenothing to talk about, that s not what they mean.They mean they thinkthey have nothing interesting to talk about, and they are censoring theideas that pop into their heads.Just let it out.Odds are your partner hasthe same concerns, so guess what, if you talk, you ll both be more com-fortable.Now that it s clear you are going to do a number of stupid andfoolish things, over and over again, go do them.Get Your Partner to Feel SafeSince nobody s motives are clear in the beginning, create a safe haven.Don t be overly critical, and avoid denigrating people from your past.Remember this mantra: The best predictor of future behavior is past be-havior.Before you get to embarrassing, off-putting, or worrisome storiesfrom your past, even if they are interesting, you want to make sure you veestablished a safe place to connect and get in sync with each other.Discover Your Partner s Interests and Really ListenWinning someone over is best achieved by getting them to talk about thethings they care about the most: their interests and passions.Ask ques-tions, and if there is common ground, emphasize it.Be constructive andfocus on the positives of what they are interested in.When your partneropens up to you, share in kind what you are thinking, feeling, and whatit makes you want to do.Support your partner s concerns, add and embel-lish with your own feelings and experiences, and check in to ensure theconversational adventure is two-sided. 144 Curious?Your Words Tell a Fraction of the StoryBe genuine in words and actions.Your posture, the sound of your voice,your facial expressions, eye contact, the distance between you and them,how and when you touch, all communicate emotions positive, negativeand whether you are attentive and engaged.Don t Be an Energy Vampire!Show that you can absorb negative emotions and events and that youdon t dish it out excessively or irresponsibly.Provide some reassurancethat suffering is going to be minimal for the person talking to you.Dis-agreements, anxiety, and anger are all normal and par for the course duringchallenging first encounters.What matters is how you respond.Unlessyou go for the highly curious, skip-the-rungs-of-intimacy approach, startoff with low-maintenance interactions that are full of energy and enthu-siasm.Just as when you are dancing, you need to pay attention to yourpartner.If you fall out of step, observe their movements and fall back intoplace.Be OpenExpect in advance that you might diverge in some major areas.If youview these differences as opportunities instead of dangerous roadblocks,you can get the best possible outcome in the situation.Don t avoid topicsout of fear.So what if you differ in your views of race, politics, and reli-gion; it might end up being a harmonious mix.Just stay open and activelylisten to what they have to say.If you are afraid you might miss theirpoint, check in and ask: It sounds as if you are saying.is this right? or Let me see if I am following you.am I missing anything? Every-body wants to be understood.Don t guess.Be open, and find out.Focus on the Interaction, Not the Endingcontrol the outcome, only your actions and perceptions.Judge your per-formance, not the outcome
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