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. Oh yeah.That helped. I m sorry, Chase mumbled into hisknees, knowing his chest was growing tight with tears and with theloosening of them too. I didn t tell you that to make you sorry, although you should be,because you were an asshole.The second time you left me, and I had tofollow you home to make sure you didn t drive into a tree, ya bigfuckhead, I went home and broke a kitchen chair. Oh shit, which one? Does it fuckin matter? Chase blushed. No. The old creaky one that we let Buster sit in.Buster still hasn tforgiven me, but that s another story. And the point of this one would be? Don t say that, whatever it is going on in your head.See, thething is, I cried, I broke shit, I raged.I called Dex over and we went tothe gym and had a sparring match and he kicked my ass because I dbeen out of the hospital for like, a week, and all the time, I was doingthat, what were you doing? Cleaning your excrement out of your carpet and buyingrazorblades. Yeah, Tommy said, without making Chase answer again. Youwere cleaning my own shit out of my house and buying fuckingrazorblades.Dex remembered that, you know.He thought it was weird,and then after Donnie called me and I called him, he almost crapped hispants That s not funny! Neither of us was fucking laughing, ya fuckin fuckhead.But areyou hearing me now? Sort of, Chase mumbled. Speak up, Chase, I can t fucking hear you.What were you doingwhile I was bawling my heart out and breaking shit? Chase sighed, so safe in Tommy s arms it felt like he could saythis and be okay. Keeping it all locked in my head, he said quietly,and Tommy s arm tightened around his shoulders. You re smart, Chase, but your noggin s only so big.You didn tlet it out, and now it s busting out, and it s not always safe.It s like adam or something, right? The water s threatening to knock the whole thing over, and you can either let it out those waterways where it ssupposed to go, or it s going to be like in the movies where big chunksof rock are shooting everywhere and the first place to give is rightabove the family and the second place to go is heading for the powerplant that s going to destroy the city.And it doesn t have to be thatway, man.All you gotta do is let it out at the right places, the righttimes, and it ll go, and when it s done, you ll feel lighter, because allthat water was putting pressure on shit, and now it s gone.Right? Chase nodded, suddenly exhausted by his day even though it wasonly eight o clock at night. Tommy? he said plaintively, can you tellme something not serious? Can you tell me something happy? Tommy looked at him carefully, trying to see if it was some sortof ruse, or evasion, Chase was sure.Chase wasn t sure what Tommysaw in his eyes, but he was relieved when Tommy started scootingdown on the bed and nestling against Chase, until Chase s face waspressed up against Tommy s chest and Tommy s lower leg was thrownover Chase s hips, and they were as twined as two people could be withtheir clothes on. I got a kitten today, Tommy said, and Chase pulled back to grinat him. Yeah? Yeah.And a turtle too. A turtle? Yeah, he s in a terrarium.The pet store had them on sale allmonth, and he was the last guy in the tank.He was sort of puny, youknow? Not really spectacular, like the other turtles, so I took him home.They were nice they gave me a terrarium for free, because I volunteerwith the rescue cats on the weekend.You ve helped me, right? Yeah.I like doing that. The rescue cats needed their litterchanged and their nails trimmed and their cages cleaned while theywaited for someone to adopt them.Tommy went once a week, becausesome of the same people worked with the rescue cats at the ASPCAwho did the pet store adoptions, and Chase had helped him on morethan one occasion.They both liked the idea of perfectly nice animalsgiven a second chance to have a home. So anyway, they gave me the terrarium and I took it home andset it up in the living room, on that shelf by the TV What d you do with the models you painted? Cars Tommyliked them in small form, but he said all he wanted from the big oneswas for them to get him somewhere when he stepped on the gas. Just moved them to the side.Anyway, so it looks sort of peacefulthere, and the turtle What d you name him? Am I supposed to name him? Well yeah.You can t just let him hang out without a name.Thenhe s not a real person. Tommy kissed the top of his head, mostly, Chase figured, forsomething to do.Chase may have gone all delicate fragile flower onhim, but this sitting still shit still didn t work well for Tommy, andChase could feel his muscles jumping even as they lay there.That wasokay though.He did the same thing at night, when he was lying downto sleep, right up until his eyes closed and his body went limp.Chaseknew because he d stayed up on more than one occasion just to feelthat moment. I think I love you just cause you d say that.What do you wantto name him? I don t know.I haven t met him.Don t you have to know thembefore you name them? People name babies all the time without knowing them.Theyjust hope that kid s gonna be like the name when it pops out of theoven. Chase laughed. I think sometimes kids just sort of turn into whothey are because of the way they re named, but I don t know. Why not? Because I ve never met a person on the planet who s moreTommy Halloran than you.I don t know what the hell you weredreaming of when you came up with Tango. Tommy laughed. I was thinking I wanted to dance with all thehot guys, that s what I was thinkin.Now about this turtle.Oliver.Ithink I m gonna name it Oliver. Why s that? Because he s leaving little turtle poop Oliver his terrarium. Chase laughed at the horrible pun and suddenly felt better.Tommy was warm and muscular and wonderful, wrapped around himthis way, but Chase had a thought. Tommy, why aren t we horny? Who says we re not? For form, Tommy thrust his hips forward,and he had a semi, but that was sort of standard for Tommy he waslike, at perpetual half-mast. You know what I mean. Tommy sighed. You re not horny because your body s still sad.Your brain, your heart, your body they re all still grieving for the shitthat fucked you up in the first place.I m not horny because&. Tommytrailed off and swallowed, and his arms tightened around Chase sshoulders convulsively. You re still pissed at me, Chase mumbled, because he deservedit. A little, yeah, Tommy confessed, but mostly I m so scared. Chase looked up. Scared? Yeah.You re crying all the time, and in a way that s good,Chase.I mean, it s better than that whole disappear in your head crapyou were doing.But you re also sort of& I dunno.Helpless whenyou re like this.And I think that dam is gonna burst anyway, and I haveto keep going home.Who s gonna help put you back together? You ll be here, Chase mumbled, suddenly completely terrifiedhimself.Oh God.He was going to feel worse than this? The prospectwas just& just horrible
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